


What Remains

by xjopper



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Letters, Love, Post-Season/Series 03, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:01:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23392915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xjopper/pseuds/xjopper
Summary: Now alone with the kids, Joyce has to deal with the consequences of what happened on that fateful 4th of July night. But how can she, when the only person she wants to talk with is no longer here?A set of letters that Joyce writes to Hopper as a way of coping with her feelings and everything that is going on in her life.
Relationships: Joyce Byers & Jim "Chief" Hopper, Joyce Byers/Jim "Chief" Hopper
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,  
> this is my first jopper fanfiction and I really hope you like it!!Feedback is really appreciated (constructive criticism is very welcome), so feel free to let me know your thoughts.

People think I'm crazy. They always have and I honestly doubt it'll ever change. I've always known who I am and that has always been enough for me. I never tried to fit in, never needed other people's approval. To me, being me was always enough but I guess most people don't understand that and always have to have an opinion on everything, even if it's none of their business.

I've never cared about what people say but now that I'm here, opening up to you in a letter you'll never read, let alone reply to, I can't help but wonder if they've been right all along.

I don't know why I'm writing this. All I know is that I need to talk to you but you're not here and this is what I came up with. You've always been here for me, even when I didn't know I needed it and pushed you away. You are (were?) my best friend, my confidant, the only person that never judged me or looked at me like I was crazy, not even when I thought I was losing my mind. You always knew what to do and say to make me feel better and I guess I took that for granted. I'm sorry. I would give anything to have you here with me right now.

I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending I'm ok when the truth is, I'm falling apart. I'm tired of putting a smile on my face every morning and tell the kids that everything is going to be ok when I start doubting that myself. I'm tired of being the strong person around here... we used to be strong together, I'm not sure I can do it alone.

I thought that the days were going to be the hardest part. I was wrong. It's at night, when I'm lying in bed, alone in the dark, that I start thinking about everything that happened. Every time I close my eyes, I see you, in that room, the tears in your eyes as you nodded, giving me the sign that we both knew would change our lives forever. And when my body can't physically stay awake any longer and my brain shuts down, it only takes a couple hours for me to wake up, covered in sweat and with tears running down my cheeks.

Even though the nights are the hardest, that doesn't mean the days are much better. I didn't want to draw attention to myself or the kids so I only took a day off, saying that Will was sick and I had to stay at home with him. Going back to work was the last thing I wanted but I've come to realize that it isn't such a bad thing. Sometimes the store is so busy that I can't hear myself think over all the noise and because I'm always needed somewhere, I don't have time to do anything other than helping the people who need me. I hate leaving the kids alone during the day though. I can't stand the idea of them being alone in the house all day, thinking about everything that happened, over and over again, especially because I know better than anyone that that doesn't do any good, but the bills won't pay themselves, especially now that we're 4, so after chugging two mugs of the strongest coffee I could find at the store and making sure the kids will be ok during the day, I make myself get in the car and drive to the store, already counting the hours until my shift is over and I can come back home to the kids.

Because of what happened at the mall, the store is busier than ever and people are beginning to talk about what happened. Little by little, the truth is coming out and they are starting to realize that Hawkins is not the boring, sleepy town it once was. No one knows exactly what happened so the in old Hawkins-fashioned way, everyone and their mother is talking about it, trying to find out exactly what happened. Thankfully, we have yet to be associated with what it, but I know it's only a matter of time before the odd, unpleasant looks and the whispering starts and I don't know if we can handle that.

Jonathan has been staying with Will and El while I'm at work, making sure they eat and helping El clean up her wounds, which I'm incredibly thankful for. Knowing they aren't alone, even though I'd much rather be the one there with them, makes leaving the house every morning a little bit easier. Sometimes I feel like I rely too much on him. Ever since Lonnie left, he's felt the need to be the man of the house, and I have no idea how I would have done this without his help but I feel like, because I wasn't able to handle everything alone, he had to grow up too fast and I hate myself for that.

From what Jonathan has told me, Will is slowly going back to his old self. He's talking more, his appetite is coming back and he has gone out to visit his friends once or twice. El is a different story. As expected, it's been particularly hard for her to deal with this. She's barely said a word since we came home that night, she doesn't want to eat and she refuses to leave the house. The sadness in her eyes is the same that I see every day when I look in the mirror and it breaks my heart that someone so young knows this kind of pain. It's not fair...

Just last night, she came to my room and lay down beside me and we stayed in each other's arms, somehow trying to find comfort in knowing that we are not alone in this. None of us said a word and all I could think about was how, at the mere age of 14, El has been through more than most people should in a lifetime. After years of being held hostage and used as a machine instead of being treated as a human being, when she finally got some stability and someone who loved her, it was taken from her without warning, in a brutal way. You were the only family she's ever known. You took her in, took care of her, loved her as if she were your own and now that you're not here, it's my turn to do it. I promise you that I'll love her as if she were my own and that I'll do everything in my power to take some of her pain away.

Joyce


	2. Chapter 2

I went to the cabin today. I had been thinking about stopping by for a while, mainly to pick up some of El's clothes so she doesn't have to keep wearing the boys', but every time I thought about doing it, I told myself I had something else to do and that I'd go the next day but I never did. I wasn't planning on going there today but the kids stopped by to see El and Will and I wanted to give them some time alone so I got my coat and left the house. I didn't know where I was going when I started walking, I just knew that getting some fresh air would be good so I just kept going until I eventually found myself in front of what, just a couple of weeks ago, was your home.

From the outside, it looked like the cabin had been hit by a tornado. Inside, it didn't look much better. There were holes on the walls and on the roof, there were things broken on the floor everywhere and the walls were splattered with blood... it looked like a war zone, which I guess is exactly what it was. But it was still your cabin. Your things were everywhere I looked, I could still feel the scent of your aftershave, mixed with the scent of cigarettes and, as I stood in the middle of the room, looking around, my heart broke all over again.

At first, I didn't want to go in, you know? I stood outside for a while, just looking at the wooden cabin and, for a couple seconds, I allowed myself to believe that you were inside, sitting on your armchair with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other, watching some sports game. I knew it wasn't true. I knew you weren't there, but for just a few seconds, I felt the happiest I've felt since that night. I know it sounds crazy and I would never tell this to anyone else because, let's face it, they'd just think I was crazy and send me to a mental institution. But sometimes, when the truth is too painful, it's just easier to pretend. I can't wrap my head around the fact that you're gone. And the truth is, I don't want to. I don't want to live in a world without you in it.

It took all I had in me to do open that door. I knew it was going to be hard but I definitely wasn't ready for how much it hurt. Before I walked in, I thought I couldn't feel any more pain... I mean, I already felt numb, how much worse could it get? But being there, surrounded by so many memories... so much you felt like a punch in the stomach, a painful reminder that you aren't here anymore and all the emotions I'd been trying to suppress hit me like a ton of bricks. Before I could stop them, tears were rolling down my cheeks and a heart-shattering sob escaped my mouth before my knees hit the ground. For the first time since that night, I let my guard down and broke down. For the first time since that night, I allowed myself to feel every emotion that I'd been bottling up inside. For the first time since that night, I wasn't pretending.

I know it's only been a couple of weeks, a drop in the ocean considering I'll have to live the rest of my life without you, but a couple of weeks certainly feels like a couple of years when you have to pretend to be ok every day. I feel like I've been putting up a façade, wearing a mask to cover up the agonizing distress I feel at every waking moment. I tell myself it's to protect the kids, and, for the most part, it is... I mean how can I convince them that things will get better if they see how heartbroken and hopeless I actually feel? but there's also a tiny part of me that thinks that maybe, just maybe, if I tell myself that things will get better enough times, I'll eventually start believing it and wouldn't that make everything easier?

Once the sobs were no longer rocking my body and I was finally breathing normally again, I made myself get up and, after wiping the tears from my eyes, I went to El's room to pack some of her stuff. She hasn't said much but she's slowly beginning to talk more. A few days ago, I told her that I'd probably go get her some clothes and even though she just nodded, at first, later that day, she asked me if I could get her the book she'd left on her nightstand, a copy of Anne of Green Gables. It must have been the first time she said more than two words at a time since we came home.

I didn't have my car, so I could only get a few things but I made sure to get the book. After all, it was the only thing she'd asked for so I knew it meant a lot to her. I gave it to her when I got home and her tear-filled eyes and trembling lips only confirmed my suspicions. Up until that point, I'd been giving her space and time to wrap her head around what happened but I wanted her to know that I was there for her, that she could talk to me about everything. I wanted her to know that she was not alone. So that's what I told her as I wiped the tears from her eyes. She didn't say anything but she didn't need to... the gratitude I saw in her eyes was more than enough.

Just about an hour ago, I was getting ready for yet another restless night, when she knocked on my bedroom door. We sat down on the bed and she told me everything about the book and why it meant so much to her. She told me about how it had been Sara's favorite book and how you used to read it to her every night when she was in the hospital and then about how you two had started reading it together a few months ago. She then asked me if I could help her read a couple of pages and even though at first, I felt like it was your thing and that doing getting involved would almost be like taking out place... but then I realized that it was important for her and I couldn't let her down after she'd opened up to me. So we opened the book and slowly but surely, she started reading it, stopping when she wasn't sure how to pronounce a certain word or when she wasn't sure what they meant. It didn't take long for her eyes to start growing heavy, and we agreed it would probably be best to finish the chapter tomorrow. She got up and was about to leave the room when she turned around and before I could say anything, she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. "Thank you. For everything. I love you." She said and somehow, in that moment, it felt like a couple of pieces of my heart were glued back together and I couldn't help but think that maybe there was still hope after all.

Joyce


	3. Chapter 3

Flo stopped by the store the other day. At first, I thought she was there to buy something, but minutes passed and she kept walking around without her picking anything from the shelves and even though she tried to be subtle, I caught her looking at me a couple times. I had no idea what she wanted but I knew you two were close, I mean even before you started working at the PD, she was friends with your mom and had known you since you were a baby, so I asked Donald to take my place at the register for a few minutes and asked her to follow me to the back, where we could talk without the prying ears of the other costumers.

I was confused as to why she was there. Aside from the occasional small talk at the store and those times at the station, I'd never really talked to her, so I quickly realized it was something important. When she told me about the funeral, I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I didn't even know why she'd gone out of her way to tell me about it but she explained that she (somehow) knew we were close and she wanted me to know from her rather than hear it from someone at the store or on the street.

I was caught off guard by the whole thing and even though I'd be lying if I said the thought had never crossed my mind, I had never actually thought about it. I knew a funeral would make everything official and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I am not ready to say goodbye, not yet. But I came home that night thinking about it and the more I did, the more I realized that it made sense. I knew it wouldn't be what you'd call a typical funeral- there would be no body to bury, El (who, after all, is your only family,) wouldn't be there and we wouldn't be able to say how you truly impacted our lives- but you deserved to have one. You, more than anyone I've ever known, deserve to be remembered and your memory deserves to be cherished.

The funeral was today. As expected, it was different than any other funeral I've been to.

There was no family to give condolences to but that didn't stop people from going and it felt like the whole town was there. I don't think you knew that so many people cared for you but after all, you were the chief of police for years, everyone knew you and, more important than that, everyone knew they could count on you. In one way or another, in a more or a less significant way, you touched each and every one of those people and I hope that wherever you are, you know that.

The only thing that bothered me was the fact that no one there knew what you'd done for them. No one there knew how you saved this goddam town, no one knew how brave you really were. For them, your death was an accident. They think you were just doing your job and somehow ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. They don't know that you sacrificed yourself for us, for this town, and I hate that I can't tell them... but that would raise too many questions that none of us is ready to answer, not to mention how that would impact the kids.

When I told El about the funeral, I could see the heartbreak in her eyes. I knew she wanted to go but how would we explain her presence? After all, no one in town knows her and the timing just wasn't right. So we agreed that when I got home, we'd have our own private memorial, I guess you can say, so that's exactly what we did.

When I arrived, after dropping the boys at the Wheeler's, El taught me how to make a triple-decker eggo extravaganza and then we sat at the kitchen table and shared good memories of you while we ate.

El told me about the night before the snowball when after a round of board games and eggos, you gave her the bag with the dress I'd helped you buy for her. She said she wasn't sure what it meant at first and I can only imagine the smile on her face when it hit her. She told me that she ran to her bedroom to try it on and make sure it fit and that when she came out to show you, you smiled back at her, your smile just as bright as hers, before giving her Sara's blue hair tie, that you had on your wrist up until that point. She knew how much it meant to you, she knew you never took it off and by giving it to her, you showed her that you slowly moving on and letting the demons from your past go. You both were.

Then it was my turn to speak and I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't want to talk about memories from our past because I knew that would raise questions, but at the same time, I didn't feel ready to talk about the most recent ones. So I tried to find a grey area. I don't know if you remember this, you probably don't, but there was one time, last year between Christmas and New Year, that you and El had dinner with us and Will was really excited about this game he'd got for Christmas and he spent the whole night speaking about it. After dinner, you asked him if he wanted to play and the smile that appeared on his face was one of the biggest I've ever seen. Later that night, when I put him to bed, he told me that no one, other than Jonathan and I, had ever shown interest in his things and it warmed my heart. That night I realized that he kind of saw you as the father figured he lacked in his life and even though it could have been awkward for some people, I was glad he'd chosen you.

Between tears and smiles, we spent the rest of the evening sharing our best memories of you and talking about how, behind that grumpy exterior, you were the best and bravest man we've ever known.

Talking and hearing people talk about you today wasn't easy. Hearing your name still hurts a little too much. But you're a hero. You gave your life for us, to save us, and it's only fair that we keep you in our hearts and spend the rest of our lives cherishing your memory. You may not be here, physically, but you'll live on in your hearts and knowing that somehow makes everything a little bit easier.

Joyce


	4. Chapter 4

There's a new chief of police in town. I was minding my own business, labeling some products at the store today, when I heard two ladies talking about it on the other aisle. I don't know if one of your colleagues was promoted or if they got someone new from another town... all I know is that your position is no longer available and your office now belongs to someone else.

I'd be lying if I said hearing them didn't affect me. I knew it was bound to happen, I knew the town needed a chief... but it still made my blood boil in my veins. It's barely been a month since you... left us, and I feel like everyone in town is already moving on and replacing you. I know it's unfair, I know I'm probably being irrational.. after all, they did what they had to do... maybe I'm just jealous of how easy it is for them to move on and forget when every day I feel my heart shatter a little bit more.

I used to believe that everything happened for a reason but I start doubting it. You were such a good person and at such a good point in your life. Even though it was not the job you dreamed of when you were younger and working at the PD in Hawkins is not exactly the most exciting thing to do, you loved what you did. You had El, you had me and the boys... almost like a weird, dysfunctional family, in a way. You were finally letting go of your ghosts and allowing yourself to be happy again... Why did this have to happen to you?

I've been thinking a lot about what happened that day, especially what went wrong. Will told us about the butterfly effect the other day while we had dinner. He used an analogy to explain it, something about the flap of a butterfly's wings in Indiana causing a tornado in Tokyo, but what this theory says is that a small change can make much bigger changes happen. Isn't that crazy to think about?

I know it's not healthy to keep thinking about what-ifs, about what could have been... but I can't help but wonder what we could have done differently to bring you home safe. We could have told that Suzie kid to shut up and just tell us the damn number, we could have turned those keys sooner instead of counting to three, we could have locked the door when we walked in or made sure that Russian guy was dead when we had the chance. I could have tried harder to turn the keys before you smashed that asshole's head on the machine (not that he didn't deserve it, but look where that got us), or you could have found another way of getting rid of him. Maybe then you'd still be here and I wouldn't feel this emptiness in my soul...

Why is this so hard? Why can't I move on as easily as everyone else? They say the world doesn't stop just because you're not here then why does it feel like mine did? Nothing since that night feels right... Sometimes I feel like I'm living two lives, you know? One where I pretend that everything is fine and act strong and the other where my soul is screaming in pain.

Why did you have to leave, Hop? Why? We need you here. I need you here.

I miss you. I miss you so much. I even miss our arguments and how we'd drive each other up the wall... You're the only person who's always been there for me, who's always been able to comfort me, sometimes just by being there. You knew me better than anyone else and I feel so fucking alone now that you're not here. I've lost count of the number of times I've picked up the phone and started dialing your number, only to realize that no one would be on the other end. You're the only person I want to talk to yet you're also the only person I can't reach... isn't that ironic? Life surely has a funny way of sneaking up on you...

On a different note, the past weeks have been hard and our lives have sort of been put on hold but I talked with Jonathan and we decided that it would be best to leave Hawkins. He wasn't thrilled and I know the kids won't be either when we tell them but I think it's for the best. There are too many bad memories here.

I know you'd hate this but I think you, better than anyone, know why I'm doing this. You did the same thing, years ago, when you came back. And I want you to know that, under different circumstances, I would have stayed but I can't... not when everything, from the bench where we sometimes spent my lunch break talking, to the hidden road that leads to your cabin, reminds me of you.  
I thought the memories of that night would be the worst but I've come to realize that it's the happy memories that hurt the most because they remind me of what I've lost and I can't handle living in a town where I see you everywhere I look.

You once told me that even though nothing would ever go back to the way that it was, it would get better in time. I hope you were right. I want to believe you but it's getting harder every day.

Joyce


	5. Chapter 5

I'm an overthinker. I always have been... I think too much about things, I second guess everything, I hate making decisions, I always expect the worst and I always think I could have done things better. I feel like I can never turn my brain off. Most of the time, I hate it and think it's a curse but then I think about all the times it stopped me from making mistakes or the times it saved us and I'm not so sure anymore.

You hated it. When we were younger, you were always telling me that I needed to stop thinking so much about everything and just live in the moment, that it was ok not to be perfect, that perfect was overrated, and that we had to mistakes to become better people. "Sometimes we have no fucking clue what to do and that's ok." you said one day, during one of our countless smoke breaks under the steps, between 5th and 6th period. I doubt you remember saying that, but for some reason, it stuck with me. I knew you were right and I tried to change, I really did. I tried to be more spontaneous, to live in the moment and take more risks, to stop thinking so much about what could go wrong and focus on what could go right... and it worked for a while. But then you left and Lonnie came into my life and it didn't take long for me to feel that I was losing control of my life.

I'm not sure how to explain this, but overthinking is a defense mechanism of sorts. I fell that the more I think and analyze, the more control I have over my life and what happens and that gives me a weird sense of security. And I know this probably doesn't make sense but if I convince myself that the worst-case scenario will come true (even when, deep down, I know the chances are slim) I'm protecting myself from disappointment because if I believe the worst is going happen, things can only get better.

There's one thing that had never crossed my mind though: losing you. I know nothing lasts forever but I had never considered a future without you in it. For over two years, you and the boys were the only constant in my life. I knew that, no matter what happened, I could count on you and that made me feel safe. Either as friends or something more, I thought that, after everything that happened, we'd finally get our chance to be happy.

You did everything you could to make sure everyone around you was safe. You always protected us and I wish I could have done the same for you.

Ever since we were kids, one of my favorite things about you has been how much you care for the ones you love and how you'd do anything for them, to make them feel happy, safe and loved... I was lucky enough to be one of those people and believe me when I say I would give anything to get a chance to tell you how much I appreciate everything you did for us one more time. Sometimes I feel like I took you for granted and I'm deeply sorry for it.

When I walked into the station on that cold November morning, looking for you, I had no idea what as going to happen. I had seen you around town but aside from the occasional small talk at the store, we hadn't really talked since you left for college, over 20 years ago, and to be honest, if Will had got home safe that night, I think things would have remained that way. But he didn't and you helped me when nobody else would. You always believed in me, even when everyone around me thought I was going crazy. You did everything you could to save Will and even after we brought him home, you kept stopping by to check on him and make sure we were ok and didn't need anything. Then weeks turned into months and you were still there for us. Even though most people would probably have just ran away from us, you never left.

Everything was easy when you were around. You made me feel safe, you made me smile when I thought I couldn't, you comforted me when times were hard, you understood me, you knew what I needed, sometimes before I found out. I felt at home when I was around you. And at first, I thought it was just because of our shared history- I mean we've been through a lot together- and I kept telling myself it wasn't the right time, first because of Bob, then just because I didn't want to risk losing you if things didn't work out between us... but time passed and not only did those feelings not go away, but they also grew stronger and it scared the hell out of me.

It didn't take long for me to realize you felt the same way. I saw it in the way you looked at me, the way your gaze held so much joy and love; in how you paid attention to everything I said, how you kept stealing glances at me when you thought I wasn't looking or how you always kissed my forehead before you left the house when I fell asleep on the couch during our movie nights.

I didn't mean to fall for you. After everything that happened, I wasn't looking for anything or planning on falling for anyone anytime soon (or ever, to be honest). But life had different plans in store for me and I fell hard for you. I'm not sure when it happened. I can't pinpoint the exact moment my feelings for you changed but they did and it took me by surprise.

The first time you asked me out, I freaked out. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say yes, to give us a chance, but there was a voice in the back of my head reminding me of everything that could go wrong and I ended up telling you a boring lie. I spent that night on the couch with a bottle of wine and looking back, I wish I'd just said yes. I wish I hadn't spent so long fighting my feelings for you.

I try not to think too much about what could have happened if we'd got our chance but I think it would have worked out. I honestly believe that if you'd survived that night, we would have got our happy ending because... I love you, Hop. I've known it for a while but I refused to acknowledge my feelings because I was scared and I'm so fucking sorry that I didn't tell you when I had the chance. I hope that, wherever you are, you know that I love you and you can forgive me for taking so long to come to terms with my feelings.

Love,  
Joyce


	6. Chapter 6

Ever since I met El, I've felt this need to protect and love her. She didn't know us back then... she was out in the world for the first time in God knows how long and she was scared but that didn't stop her from helping us find Will. When she disappeared, I was so worried about her. I knew her powers could keep her safe but she was just a child... She needed to be loved, to have a home and a family, to feel safe and protected instead of being out there trying to survive. I now know that, for the best part of the year she spent away, she did have a home and someone to love and protect her and knowing everything you did for her warms my heart but I'm not going to lie, when I found out she'd been with you the whole time, I wanted to punch you in the face. You knew I was worried and you still kept her a secret. I understand why you did what you did but back then it hurt... I thought you didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth when in reality you were just trying to protect El.

El has always had to deal with her feelings on her own. Even when you took her in, she spent most of her days alone and let's be honest, you're not the best when it comes to feelings and talking about what's going on in your head and your heart. I knew she probably wouldn't come to to me to talk about what she was feeling, so I decided to give her space to think and come to terms with what happened. After all, she'd just lost the only family she's ever had and I could only imagine how she was feeling but I didn't want to push her. There's no book to explain grief, no correct way to do it. We're all different and we all experience grief in different ways so all I could do was tell her, as often as I could, that I was there for her for whatever she needed and that I'd do everything I could to make this easier on her.

We've been talking a lot lately and I think it's been really good for both of us. I know it's still hard for her to talk about you, it's hard for me too, but I think it's important to do it and that it makes things slightly easier. We spend most of our days thinking about what went wrong and feeling empty and heartbroken, which most of the times just makes us feel worse, and I think it's good to have a few minutes every day to share good memories of you and forget all the pain and sadness, even if it'll all come back when it's over.   
She tells me stories from your life at home, how you two came up the triple-decker eggo extravaganza one night, how you once spent the night playing in the snow, which El had never seen up until that point, how you used to spend the night playing board games and how you sometimes tried to cheat and then told her you just wanted to know if she was paying attention when she caught you. And in return, I tell her stories about our time in high school and how you were always getting in trouble, how you were always ready to help whoever needed, how you dreamed of being a detective in the city, how you were always saying you hated living in such a small town and how you started counting down the days until you left as soon as you got your acceptance letter in the mail. I'm pretty sure she suspects that something happened between us back then but if she does, she hasn't said anything about it. Maybe I'll tell her the story one day...

A couple of nights ago, she told me about the time she ran away and tracked Kali down. She told me that even though they didn't spend a lot of time together, Kali was a mentor of sorts to her and that she taught her important things, like how to use her anger to control her powers. Kali understood her better than any of us ever could, and it was important for her to be with someone with powers. The most important lesson she took from that time, though, was that she can choose what to do with her powers... she can choose to use them for good, to help and protect people instead of hurting them. She also told me about what you told her on your way back to Hawkins.

I've been thinking a lot about this black hole theory of yours lately and the more I do, the more I understand and relate to it. You felt like no matter what you did, everyone around you got hurt... and at one point you simply became afraid of being happy because you knew something bad would happen soon so you started building walls around you and started blocking your feelings out. If that's not the perfect description of my life, I don't know what is. I mean, my marriage failed, the few friends I made over the years eventually left, Jonathan grew up too fast because I wasn't able to handle things on my own after Lonnie left, I almost lost Will, Bob died because of me... everyone around me gets hurt. Even you did...

I haven't told anyone what happened in that room. Mostly because I'm scared the kids will blame me and I wouldn't be able to handle seeing hatred in their eyes every time they looked at me.... And I know you'd tell me it wasn't my fault, that I did what I had to do to keep the kids and the town safe and I keep telling myself the same thing but I was the one who turned those keys... I took away your chance of being a father again away, I took away the chance of El having a family... If it weren't for me, you'd still be here. I'm so sorry. I'll always be.

I know I should be thankful I survived that night and that I got to come back home with the kids... and I am, most of the times anyway. But sometimes I'm not so sure, because living without you hurts too much...

I miss you. A little too much, a little too often and a little bit more every day.

Love,  
Joyce


	7. Chapter 7

I had a dream about you last night. It's not an uncommon thing to happen... I mean you're the last person I think of when I wake up and the last one I think of before I go to sleep and so I guess it's normal that there hasn't been a night since it happened, that I haven't dreamt of you. But this dream was different than any other I've had during the past few weeks, maybe even ever.   
As opposed to the nightmares that, more often than not, make me wake up covered in sweat and with tears running down my cheeks, this dream was happy. It was the first happy dream I've had since Will first went missing and this whole mess started. And it felt so real...

I should have known that it was all a dream... that it was too good to be true. But maybe I unconsciously allowed it to keep going because I wanted it to be true...

On the Friday after the Starcourt incident, the day we would have had our long-waited date, I got dressed in my prettiest dress and waited. Back then, it all felt surreal and I guess a tiny part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, you were ok and would pick me up. So I waited outside in the front porch for a while, but 7pm came and you didn't show up... so I got in the car and drove to Enzo's, got a table for 2 and bottle of wine, and spent the rest of the night looking at the door, hoping that you'd magically walk in and that everything would be ok. But you didn't and we aren't ok but we're doing our best to get used to this new reality and, for now, I guess that's the best we can do.

In my dream, however, you did show up... you survived the explosion and you came back to us. When you walked in the restaurant and I met your blue eyes and you smiled back at me, it felt like every piece of my heart had been pieced back together and I felt whole again. I ran to you and wrapped my arms around your neck while you put yours on my waist and pulled me closer to you and it felt like home. We chatted until they needed to close the restaurant and a waitress asked us to leave and then we just walked around in the park for a while.   
It was cold so you put your coat on my shoulders and I remember taking your hand in mine and asking you to pinch me, wanting to make sure you were actually there and that I wasn't just going crazy as everyone said. We eventually sat on a bench and stayed there, my head nestled in the crook of your neck, in silence, just enjoying each other's company and reveling in the fact that you were safe and we were finally together, just the two of us.

Soon we were in the car, on our way home, my fingers interlocked with yours, resting on your lap, with both of us occasionally stealing glances at the other. When we arrived, you accompanied me to the door and I remember standing there, looking at your blue eyes that I love to get lost in and telling you I couldn't believe you were actually there and you were ok. You just smiled at me, cupped my face in your hand and leaned in. Even though it's been over 20 years since the last time we shared a kiss, it felt natural and familiar... it felt like coming home. And it might have been a dream but I'll never forget the feeling of your lips on mine, of your hand on my waist and I'll definitely never forget the love and adoration I saw in your eyes when we let go of one another.

I know it was all just a dream but it felt so real that when I woke up this morning I was confused. I was sure you'd be there. I looked around, trying to find you but after a while, I realized it had all been a dream, an imaginary series of events in my mind  
and that you hadn't come back and never would. Saying that my heart broke all over again would be an understatement.   
After that, I tried to go back to sleep. I thought that if I did and tried hard enough, I'd be back in the same dream, back in your arms and the emptiness I felt at every waking moment would be gone. But of course, it didn't work and I had to go to work anyway so I got up and turned the coffee machine on. It was going to be a long day and I knew it.

I spent my entire shift thinking about you. In fact, I was so distraught that even Mevald noticed and gave me the rest of the day off. As soon as as I left the store, I knew exactly what I needed: I needed to feel closer to you. So I got in the car and drove to the cabin.

I hadn't been there since I stopped by to pick some of El's clothes and broke down in the middle of the living room. It was still hard to be there but this time I think it comforted me more than it hurt. Maybe you were right. Maybe it does get a little bit easier every day.

The scent of your aftershave and cigarettes wasn't as strong as it had been the last time I was there, but I could still feel it. I found your uniform on the ground outside the cabin we're we left it soaked and as soon as I walked in, I spotted your hat exactly where I left it when I took you home after our visit to the lab. Thinking back to that day, I have no idea how I managed to (very) slowly drag you inside. I mean, you're much taller and heavier than me. Not only that, you were barely conscious, making the already difficult task even harder and if anyone had seen me trying to carry you inside, they definitely would have laughed at the comical sight.

I didn't feel as close to you as I had in my dream, and I know I never will, but being in the cabin was oddly comforting. When we were teenagers, the cabin was our safe place, the one spot where we could be alone. And maybe it was just because you were always with me, but I always felt safe there.

A while ago, I considered asking Gary to put the cabin on the market. I mean, no one's living there and we are leaving Hawkins soon so why would we keep it? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I would never be able to let go of that place. We spent so many hours alone there when we were younger... watching movies, trying to unsuccessfully cook a good meal, talking until the early hours of the morning on the porch, looking at the stars in the hammock you had installed in the woods behind the cabin, kissing until our lips were numb... I love the cabin and all the memories it brings back.

I never mentioned it to Gary... it never felt right and earlier today, as I was standing by the door before I left, I knew I'd made the right decision. Keeping the cabin is the right thing to do. Plus, just because we're leaving Hawkins, that doesn't mean we'll never come back. In fact, I know for a fact that we are going to visit from time to time. The kids made me promise we would. When I told them we'd be leaving, they weren't pleased but Jonathan and I talked to them and they eventually agreed that no matter how hard it would be to leave their friends and the only place they've ever called home behind, a fresh start would be good for all of us.

The house is officially for sale and Gary gave me the contact of a friend of his from another state who can help us find a new house that we can afford. Hopefully, it won't take too long. As you used to say, back in our teenage days, I can't wait to get out of this hell hole.

Love,  
Joyce


	8. Chapter 8

We found it. We found our new house. Last week, I had the day off on Friday so we woke up at 5AM and, half an hour later, we were on our way out of the state to visit some houses. Over the past couple of weeks, dinner has been spent looking at a map of the United States and at books about the different states that we thought could be our next home, trying to find the perfect next place to live in, or at least one that is better than Hawkins.

It was a long process. We considered many towns in various different states around Indiana but there was always something that at least one of us didn't particularly like and, wanting to make this as easy as possible for the kids, I told them we'd continue looking until we found something we all liked. Looking back, saying that wasn't the brightest idea because it didn't take long for them to start coming up with random things they didn't like things just so we couldn't reach a consensus.

When I realized what they were doing, I was mad. At that moment, I wanted to find the farthest place I could and move there, no questions asked. I was mad at them for making this harder than it had to be... I was mad that they couldn't seem to comprehend that I was just trying to do what I thought was best for them. I know they don't understand... hell, sometimes I don't understand, but I just want to keep them safe and give them the happiest life I possibly can and I don't think I can do that here... not when you're not around anymore.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being selfish... if I'm putting my pain and heartbreak above everything else, above their well-being. I know it won't be easy for them to leave the only place they've ever called home and the only people they've ever called friends. I know it'll be hard to move to another town, start going to another school and make new friends, especially for Will and El. Kids can be incredibly cruel at that age, I know that from experience.

Every night I lie in bed and make mental lists of all the pros and cons of leaving this town. I'm pretty sure I've considered every possible scenario at this point, from a smooth adaptation to the new life to being haunted by our ghosts wherever we go and not being able to ever adapt completely to the different surroundings and people. But then again, the worst-case scenario in a town hours away from here seems much better than the best one here, doesn't it?

After a little over a week, I was starting to feel desperate. I mean, I know these things take a while but I just wanted to find a place we all liked so we could start taking care of what needs to be taken care of as soon as possible. After all, these processes take a while and I just wanted to get this over with. But I had no idea where I wanted to go. All I knew, was that I wanted a small house we could afford, in a town that had nice neighborhoods, good high schools for the kids and that was bigger than Hawkins but smaller than a city. I knew that, in a town with a bigger population, perhaps one close to one of the state capitals, people wouldn't constantly be in each other's businesses and gossip wouldn't spread like wildfire, as opposed to what happens around here.

After a lot of research, we eventually settled on the state: Missouri, and after that, it was just a matter of finding a nice place close to St. Louis. After telling us about the two people that were interested in our house, Gary put us in contact with a real estate agent he knew over there and we scheduled a meeting. He started by showing us a couple houses in the capital but the deposits for those were incredibly high and even though I've been saving as much money as I can, I couldn't afford the cheapest, so I told him to keep going. After that, he showed us houses in Florissant and St. Charles and, eventually, a couple more in a small city in the suburbs, roughly 25 minutes away from St. Louis, called Chesterfield. Even though the city was slightly bigger than what I had in mind, I liked it.

We saw some houses near the center but we all agreed it was too busy for our liking. Upon hearing this, Rick, our agent, said knew the perfect place for us and showed us a two-story cabin, a bit farther from the center and, therefore from the busy neighborhoods, than the properties he'd previously shown us but not too isolated, as there were a couple of farms and other cabins close by. The house wasn't perfect and it definitely needed some work, nothing too expensive or urgent, but that wasn't all that bad because it made it much more affordable.

On our drive back to Hawkins, the kids and I discussed all the houses we'd seen, the strong and the weak points of each of them and, to my surprise, there were only a few things we disagreed on. What they all agreed on and was, perhaps, the one thing they didn't like about any of the houses we'd seen, was the 4 and a half-hour drive that separated them from their friends but they agreed that it could be much worse and their worries seemed to fly out of the window when I told them that if they weren't too busy with school, they could visit their friends as often as they wanted.

This past week was spent talking about the houses, trying to decide which one we wanted. A couple of days ago, I said the cabin had been my favorite and El agreed and said, with a sad smile, that it reminded her of your cabin, only slightly bigger, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she was right. The similarities were obvious and I can't help but wonder if maybe that was why I liked it so much... because unconsciously, it reminded me of you.

After a long talk at the kitchen table last night, we agreed that the cabin would be a good place to start over so today, I called Rick first thing in the morning to tell him we wanted it. I know some people would say the decision was rushed... it probably was, I can't argue with that, but I need to get out of this place. I feel like I'm drowning here. But you don't drown by falling into the water... you drown by staying there.

I'm sorry, Hop. I know how you felt about us leaving but I like to think that, you'd understand why I'm doing this now... why I can't stay in this place anymore. I wish things were different and I could stay, I really do... but they aren't I need to get away. I need to get away from all the memories and the pain they cause me. I know it won't be easy for the kids but believe me when I say it won't be easy for me either...   
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I mean, this is a huge change and I'm terrified. But we all need a fresh start sometimes and I feel like it's time we get ours. I guess we're just going to have to take one step at a time and see where this goes.

I hope that wherever you are, you can see us and help us through this journey.

Love,  
Joyce


	9. Chapter 9

When I started writing the first of these letters, I wasn't sure what I was doing... all I knew at the time was that I needed to talk to you. I knew I'd never get a reply but writing to you seemed slightly more normal than leaving you voicemail messages or talking to the walls in my room and God, it felt so good to let out everything I'd been bottling up since that night...   
I thought that it was going to be a one-time thing, that once I had written it I'd feel better and be able to move on, yet here I am, sitting at your kitchen table, writing yet another letter that will go straight into the shoebox at the bottom of my closed as soon as I get home.

I've been thinking a lot about many different things lately. I guess that's what happens when you can't sleep and end up lying in bed, looking at the ceiling for endless hours until your body can't physically take it anymore and you finally fall asleep.   
Sometimes I wonder if I would change things if I could. Not only the more recent events but everything that happened years ago and brought us here. Would I go back to the summer before you left Hawkins and tell you that I loved you and that I'd wait for you instead of breaking up with you? Would I say no when Lonnie asked me out only a few days after your departure? Would I tell him to fuck off when he asked me to marry him? Would I have tried harder to leave this god-awful town when I had the chance?

Naturally, the immediate answer is 'Yes! Of course, I would. I'd be crazy not to.' but then I think about it for just a few seconds and I realize that I would never change anything that happened. Well, actually that's a lie. I would have thrown Lonnie out and filed for a divorce years earlier if I had the chance but what's done is done and if I'd make different choices in the past, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I wouldn't have my boys and I can't imagine my life with them.

It's easy to believe that I would have had a better life and be a much happier person if you and I had never broken up... it's easy to imagine that we'd be living far away from here and have the three kids and the white picket fence we talked about when we were naive teenagers who knew nothing about life. But then again, so many things could have gone wrong... even though it got better with time (I swear we were the worst when we were younger), we're both such strong-willed and temperamental people... chances are we'd still be together today.

Until Will disappeared and you came back into my life, I hadn't realized how lonely I was. A few years into my marriage, when things started going south, I began to appreciate the time it was just me and Jonathan (and later Will) in the house. I'd much rather be alone than having Lonnie around. Once I threw him out, the few friends we had vanished and people in town started giving me weird looks and whispering behind my back. For them, I was a failure, the crazy lady who couldn't do her job: keep her husband happy. But I was too busy to notice that I was alone, too busy to feel lonely. I was always at work, busting my ass to make ends meet and, if I was lucky and worked enough double shifts, be able to afford new pencils for Will and roll of film for Jonathan here and there.

And then one day my son was nowhere to be found and you were the only one that believed me. You went to the ends of the earth with me to bring him back and you could have left afterwards but you didn't. You chose to stick around and make sure we were ok.   
It was so easy for you to come back into my life and wreck the walls I'd spent so long building. We had spent 20 years apart, yet you knew exactly what to say and do to make me feel better and your touch could still make me feel calmer.   
Suddenly, I wasn't alone anymore and thought most people want to have as many friends as they can, I had you and that was more than enough for me.

But now you're gone and I feel the loneliest I've ever felt. I should have known it was too good and wouldn't last. I guess I was designed to be alone, huh?

A few years ago I would have appreciated it but now I just feel so lonely, Hopper. I feel lonely all the time. And I know I have the kids- believe me, I'm incredibly grateful for that and after everything that happened, I will never take that for granted-, but it's not the same. I'm their mom... I'm supposed to be the strong one around here. I can't cry on their shoulders, can't wake them up in the middle of the night when I have a nightmare, can't tell them what's really going on inside my head or talk about my fears.

I need you, Hop. I need you as I've never needed anyone in my entire life. I need you to listen to me ramble about my fears and tell me that I'm ok and that everything is going to work out. I need you to put your arms around me and pull me closer, my head on your chest as I listen to the calming sound of your heartbeat. I need you to be on the other end of the line when out of habit, I, sometimes, dial your number in the middle of the night, after I've had a nightmare (only to hang up a few seconds later when I realize you will not pick up). I need you here, to comfort me in the way that only you can.

I should have appreciated it and you more when I had the chance. I should have told you more times how much I appreciate everything you've done for me and the kids. I'm so sorry I didn't...

On a different note, we're leaving at the end of the week. All the documents have been signed so I guess now it's just a matter of packing the rest of our stuff, loading the truck I rented for the move and leave this place.

I'm not sure when we'll come back to visit, probably on Christmas break, next month, but winter is coming and I wanted to fix the cabin before we left so I spent the past few days working on it. I managed to fix the holes on the walls on my own but the ones on the roof were a whole lot harder. The ladder wasn't much help- I could barely reach the roof, let alone fix it, so I had to call some guy from a few towns over to fix it. He did a much better job than I ever would and even though it was slightly more expensive than it would have been if I had done it, at least now I know the cabin will be ok for a few years and not just a couple months.

I've told you about how I feel close to you when I'm here and if I'm being honest that's probably the only thing I'm going to miss about this place. And I know it'll always be here and I can come over whenever I want if I have time but it'll never be the same. I'd never tell this to anyone (so I guess it's a good thing no one's ever going to read this) but when the kids are sleeping over at the Wheeler's and I can't sleep, I come to the cabin, put one of your shirts on, get a blanket and lie down on the couch and before I know it I'm fast asleep. I'm sure you'd laugh if you saw me.  
Tonight's the last time I'm doing this. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I'm going to gather a few things- mostly El's but also some of yours- to take with me to the house. I'll close everything up and I won't be back for a few weeks.

I hope you'd be ok with this. Me taking some of your things, I mean. I won't take much anyway... just a couple pieces of clothing and one or two of your favorite records. I know it's a bit weird but I don't feel so alone when I have your stuff around. It comforts me and makes me feel closer to you and I guess that's the best I'll ever get.

Love,  
Joyce


	10. Chapter 10

When I was a kid, I loved living here. I loved knowing everyone, every street, and all the secret spots and shortcuts. I loved being able to ride my bike everywhere, to play with the other children in the fields on the outskirts of town, and to stay outside until it got dark. I remember that, more often than not, I had to be dragged home because I didn't want to leave. It used to drive my parents crazy...

As a teenager, I started feeling suffocated in such a small town and realized that knowing everyone was far from good. Whatever I did, wherever I was, someone would always be around and my parents would inevitably find out and even though I never really did anything I wasn't supposed to (or at least nothing too bad that my parents would be ashamed of) I hated it. Back then, the only thing I liked about this town was being able to see the stars at night. I knew it was harder to see them in the city because of all the light and whether it was hot or freezing cold, I loved lying on the grass at night and look at the sky.

But I don't have time to lie down on the grass and look at the stars these days and I certainly don't play with the other children in the fields anymore. Now, when I think about Hawkins, my chest tightens, my heart starts beating faster and images of the horrible things we've been through pop in my head and no matter what I do, I can't stop seeing them.

When I think about Hawkins, I think about what happened to Will, about the upside down and all the innocent people that lost their lives because of it, about Bob being killed by one of those creatures in front of my own two eyes and me being unable to do anything to help, I think about the mind flayer, about Alexei... I think about you in that Russian base, giving your life for the lives of those you loved. This place is the background of my worst memories and the source of the scariest nightmares I've ever had and I need to get away.

Don't take me wrong, not everything that happened to me here was bad. It seems like a lifetime ago but I was once happy here. I mean, this is where I spent my teenage years doing all the crazy things teenagers should do (most of them with you), where I had the boys and where they grew up. I will always cherish those good memories but it's hard when I'm surrounded by so many bad memories.

Maybe we'll come back one day, when the good memories stop being overpowered by the bad ones, who knows? Maybe we'll be able to make new good memories here one day. But now is not the time and no one can blame me for wanting to leave, can they? My kids are the only thing I have left... the boys and El are my everything and I'll be damned if I don't do everything in my power to keep them safe and happy.

Some would say I'm a coward for running away from my fears instead of facing them. Maybe they're right.... but then my fears put my kids' lives at risk, I can deal with what people say.

I gotta say, though, this has proven to be much harder than I thought it would. I thought leaving would be easy, a walk in the park, considering the circumstances and the fact that I've been wanting to leave since I was a teenager, but now that our entire lives are boxed up and stacked in a moving truck, the mattresses we slept in last night being the only thing still in the house, I wish I had a reason to stay.

A lot of shit went down within these four walls but this is where the boys grew up. Jonathan took his first steps in the living room, in front of the couch, Will took his in the backward on a hot summer day. This is house is where they smiled for the first time, said their first words, called me "mommy" for the first time, celebrated their first birthdays, their first Christmases... And I know we'll make new memories in the new house but it will never be the same.

In just a couple of hours, we will be in the car, driving away from Hawkins, the only place we have ever called home and even though I'm desperate to leave this all behind, there's a tiny tiny part of me that wants to stay. Because you were right... it does get a little bit easier every day.  
It still hurts (I doubt it will ever stop) and I miss you a little bit more everyday but most times, when I think about you, I find myself smiling instead of crying. Being here, especially being at the cabin, makes me feel closer to you and I'll miss being able to just drive to your house when I've had a bad day or am simply missing you a little too much.

You were the only thing keeping me in Hawkins. I would have left long ago if it weren't for you. I didn't know at the time what was stopping me from packing my house and leaving but I do now. If you had come back home with us that night, I wouldn't be hours away from leaving (or maybe I would, but I wouldn't be alone)... If you had come back home with us that night, I would have given us another chance and we would have made it work this time. After all, if there's something that I learned that day is that life is too short and that there are things that shouldn't be kept in because one day it might be too late. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that.

Love,  
Joyce


	11. Chapter 11

When we left Hawkins, almost a month ago, I was scared I was making a mistake. I was scared that my ghosts and all the memories I was trying to escape and leave behind would follow me wherever I went and taking the kids away from the only place they've ever called home would be in vain. But now that we've been here for a while and our lives are finally getting back on track, I'm sure I made the right decision.

Don't take me wrong, life isn't perfect here. The house still needs work, the kids miss their friends and as much as I like this house, it's not the same... it'll never be. But living here is easier. I don't feel scared or uneasy when I'm out and I'm not constantly looking out for danger or the next threat to the kids. Plus, the people here are nice. They don't care about you or your past, they aren't constantly looking for things to talk about. They don't whisper behind your back or spread gossip. And I like that. I really do.

I got a job as soon as I got here. In fact, the meeting with the manager was more of a formality. Flo helped me with it, actually. She just randomly stopped by the house a few days before we left Hawkins and told me she knew someone who could help and here we are. The job is pretty much what I did at Melvald's, only the store it five times bigger and the pay is much better. I've been working late because I got the shifts the rest of the team didn't want which doesn't leave me much time to be with the kids when they come back from school but that will hopefully be over next week when we chose our shifts for the upcoming month.

I wasn't planning on getting a job so similar to my previous one. I wanted to learn new stuff, to try something new, something different, something that challenged me, but for now, I'm glad Flo got me this job. In the middle of so much change, it's nice to have something easy and that feels so familiar but pays enough to provide for the 4 of us.

The kids are doing great. They like the new school and have made some friends. It's not the same but it's good. I had to call Owens when we got here because of El's documents. With everything that's been going on, I totally forgot that, legally, I have no power over her until the school asked to see her birth certificate. But now it's taken care of and she's enjoying school a lot. The kids and I tried to teach her some things over the summer. It helped take her mind off things and she learned most subjects surprisingly quick. She's doing great, Hop. You'd be really proud.

She loves going to school, being with the other kids and learning new things. I think it also makes her feel normal. She's doing what every kid her ages does and after everything she's been through, this is the closest she can get from normalcy at the moment.

She also has forged a really strong bond with Will. Ever since we got here, they have been joined to the hip. They're really close and spend most of their free time either talking, playing video games or exploring the new town together.   
My biggest worry about the move was that would somehow harm the kids. I knew it wouldn't be easy for them to start over somewhere else at this age. But knowing that, no matter what happens, they at least have each other, lifted a really heavy weight off my shoulders.

These past few weeks have been incredibly busy (hence the lack of letters since we left Hawkins). The few times I had time to sit down and write, I barely had the energy to keep my eyes open. I'll try to start writing more often though. I missed this. I know it probably sounds crazy but even though you don't reply to me, I feel like I'm talking to you and it really does help me deal with this whole situation.

On a different note, your birthday is coming up. It's going to be a weird one. I know we haven't properly celebrated your birthday together since we were teenagers but this one is going to be different because you aren't here anymore and even though I've been getting better at dealing with that, I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle that day.

I miss you. I miss you so much and every day I wish that you would be here with me... with us. If only there was something I could do to bring you back... I wouldn't hesitate to do whatever it was. I need you here. I need you to help me with the kids, I need you to listen to me and hold me in the way only you can.

I think I'm gonna go now. I'm sorry I'm cutting this short but it's getting late and I'm exhausted. I'll talk to you soon.

Love,  
Joyce


	12. Chapter 12

The first time we spent your birthday together was in high school. I remember that day vividly. Perhaps that's because it was all I could think about for weeks, but I remember everything, down to the smallest detail, which doesn't happen very often.

We had only known each other for a couple months- since the beginning of the school year, when, one day, I was smoking a cigarette under the bleachers and you decided to do the same. We didn't hit it up right away. In fact, I remember we barely talked the first few times we found ourselves together at what became our secret spot, but once we did, it didn't take long for me to realize we would become good friends.

What later became a habit- meeting under the steps between 5th and 6th periods pretty much every day- wasn't a thing at that point and only happened occasionally when, by chance, we both ended up there at the same time. But that day, you wanted to make sure I would be there because you left a note in my locker, telling me to meet you there right after class. I was surprised, a little bit taken aback if I'm being honest... you had never done anything like that and I had no idea why you wanted to see me... It even crossed my mind that it could be a stupid prank but then I saw you on my way to class and you smiled and winked at me and I knew it wasn't a joke

You were already waiting for me under the bleachers when I got there and I remember asking you if everything was ok as soon as I was close enough for you to hear me. I had spent the entire class thinking about all the possible reasons why you had asked me to meet you there and being me, I had come to the conclusion that something bad had definitely happened.I I was sure of it. But then you said everything was ok, that you just wanted to spend some time with me and after reassuring me a couple times, I finally believed you and relaxed.

Then we had lunch, talked about our days, I told you about this book I was reading and that I was really into (for some reason you always liked to hear me talk about the books I read) and you told me about the game that was coming up and how important it was for the team and whatever else came up. And then, for the first time, we shared a cigarette. I'd ran out of cigarettes the day before and you were running low so, naturally, we shared one.

Once we finished it, we realized we were running out of time so we said our goodbyes, you thanked me for coming and we parted ways, each of us walking towards our respective classrooms.

I didn't know it was your birthday. Somehow I had never thought about asking and it had never come up so when I heard your friends talking about it in the parking lot when I was on my way to the bus stop, I was confused, to say the least. I went home that day thinking about it and the next few weeks weren't much different. I was confused... I had no idea why you had chosen to have lunch with me on your birthday instead of with your much cooler friends. You could have driven to the diner nearby and skipped the evening classes with them to do something fun but you asked me to meet you instead. I also didn't understand why you hadn't told me it was your birthday and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit mad at you for that.

When I saw you again under the steps, later that week, I gave you a piece of my mind but you simply smirked and said it wasn't a big deal, which annoyed me even more but I shrugged it off. After all, there was nothing I could do about that. Not that year anyway.

The second time we spent your birthday together was different. I knew it was your birthday- I'd written it down on my calendar as soon as I got home a year prior, after hearing your friends talk about it. After what had happened, I couldn't forget about it. But we weren't the same people we were the year before. A lot had changed. We had grown a lot closer over the year.

After your birthday, we started hanging out more often and quickly became best friends. It didn't take us long to realize there was something else there yet it did take us a while to do something about it. But we eventually did and when your birthday came along, we had been dating for a few weeks which, of course, only put more pressure on my shoulders.

I had to do something. That much I knew but I had a hard time coming up with something. In fact, I spent the whole month leading up to your birthday thinking about what I could do to make up for the year before. I considered buying you something but I barely had enough money to buy lunch at school when I didn't have time to make something at home and I refused to ask for money. Suddenly it was the night before your birthday and I had no clue what I was going to do. I was in full panic mode at that point, about to have a breakdown, and then it hit me: if I couldn't buy you anything, then I would have to make something.

I ran to the kitchen, got the recipe and I guess luck was on my side that day because for once in my life, we had everything necessary to bake the cake my grandma used to bake when I was a little girl. So I rolled up my sleeves, put on an apron and got to work. It was a little past 2 in the morning when I got the cake out of the oven and I knew I would be extremely tired the next day but I had no regrets. It wasn't anything special... it was just a cake but it was the least I could do.

When I met you under the steps the next day, I said happy birthday for the third or fourth time that day, this time giving you a proper kiss (which I couldn't really do in the middle of the hallway), and proceeded to rumble about how I had wanted to give you something but didn't have enough money and so I had to come up with something else but it wasn't as good, which I wanted to apologize in advance for. You cut me off by putting both your hands on my shoulders, bringing me back to reality and then you said you were sure you'd like whatever it was and that I shouldn't have bothered because me being there was more than enough. 'I wouldn't be so sure' I said before I opened my backpack and took the small paper box out.

You were confused at first but the biggest smile spread across your face when you opened the box and saw the tinny cake, with 'Happy Birthday Hop' written in frosting on top. I was actually surprised you could read it, to be honest... I did it in a hurry that morning and, as if it weren't bad enough when I did it, spending the morning in my backpack made an even bigger mess. 'You baked me a cake?' You asked, in disbelief. I looked down, embarrassed, and apologized again for not buying him something but you shut me up by crashing your lips on mine. 'Stop apologizing. I love it. Should we have some?'

That day we forgot about our homemade meals and had cake for lunch. Thankfully, it tasted good. It wasn't the same my grandma used to make but it was close enough and you seemed to enjoy it. After a while, you thanked me again. 'No one's ever baked me a cake before. No one aside from my mother, I mean. And even she prefers to buy something at the bakery downtown.' you said. My cheeks turned as red as a tomato and I looked down. And then you said it. Just like that, you said those three words for the first time.

I couldn't have looked up faster if I tried. When our gazes locked, my heart was beating so fast that I felt it was going to jump out of my chest and I thought, for a second, that I had imagined it but your face was a red as mine, if not more, and you were scratching the back of your neck- something you only do when you're nervous-, your mouth opening and closing as you clearly struggled to find the right thing to say.

We were both in shock. Me because, even though we'd been together for a while and our relationship was as serious as it could be, I never thought you'd have feelings for someone like me... I never thought you'd reciprocate my feelings. And you because you couldn't believe you had just blurted out those three little (yet incredibly powerful) words like that.

You later told me that you'd been wanting to say it for a while because you didn't want to scare me, in case it was too soon so you were waiting for a special occasion to say it but looking back, nothing could ever top that day and how it happened. It was so natural, so spontaneous... it felt right. I have never meant an 'I love you too' as much as I did that day.

When El called me last year to ask me to help her bake a cake for your birthday, I knew exactly what we would make. I got the day off, stopped by the store to buy a few things and drove to the cabin when I was sure you wouldn't be there. Once we were sure we had all the ingredients we needed, we started mixing everything and the cake pan (this time, however, much bigger than the one I had used back in the day) was in the oven in no time.

When you arrived, we were in the middle of decorating the cake with frosting and the kitchen was a bit of a mess. Somehow, you were carrying a couple boxes of eggos, two cans of whipped cream and some bags of candy in your hands, ready to celebrate your birthday with a triple-decker egg extravaganza but you quickly put everything away when you saw us there and felt the scent of the cake.

El then told you everything we had been doing and how she loved spending the day baking the cake (which she had never done up until that day) and the smile you gave me meant a lot more than a simple thank you. To El and everyone else, it was just another cake but it wasn't just another cake for us. It brought back memories of a time when life was easier and we were happier. Not only that, a time when we were happy together.

But a year ago, things weren't easy. Bob's death was still fresh in my mind and my heart, the kids were still recovering from the events that took place on Halloween and I had to focus on them. But it was getting easier. And the easier it got, the more I noticed the little things that were changing, like the way you stared at me when you thought I wasn't looking, the way you often stopped by the house, most times just to ask if I was ok and how the kids were doing, or the way you smiled at me sometimes, your eyes holding so much emotion I had to look away sometimes. I knew what was happening- I'm not blind even though I like to pretend that I am sometimes-, but it was still too soon.

Thinking back, maybe I was, unconsciously, trying to give you a sign... maybe I was trying to tell you that I wasn't ready yet but that there was still hope. I mean, I could have chosen a different recipe... we could have baked any cake, for that matter, but as soon as El told me her plan, I knew it had to be that one. I chose to make a cake that was incredibly meaningful for us and maybe I'm reading too much into things but that has to mean something, right?

Even though it hadn't been in your plans, you told me to invite the boys over for dinner so we could all celebrate. That was the first of many dinners we would have after together over the year and that night was one of the first times (if not the first time) I felt truly happy since Bob had died. We talked a bit about our boring days at work and you asked the kids about their days and even though I'm pretty sure you (just like me) didn't really understand half of what the boys were saying, you tried to follow and understand as much of it as you could and that meant more to me than you'll ever know.

When I went to bed that night, I couldn't stop myself from wondering how life would be if nights like those weren't the exception but the rule... how life would be if I got to come home to all of you every day and those thoughts gave me hope and warmed my heart. 'Maybe one day', I remember thinking.

And now here I am, alone in my bedroom, miles away from Hawkins, the flannel I'm wearing being the only thing making me feel close to you.

It took me too long to come to terms with my feelings for you and when I finally did, it was too late. You were gone. You are gone, and you're not coming back. And I'm sorry. I'm deeply sorry. I know I've apologized many times already but it will never be enough.

I miss you. I miss you every day but it's days like this, when everything feels a little too overwhelming and unbearable, that make me doubt that I'll be able to move on. But what choice do I have..? I guess I'll just have to hope it doesn't hurt as much in the morning...

Happy birthday, Hop. Wherever you are, I hope you're having a great one. I love you. Always.

Love,  
Joyce


	13. Chapter 13

I had the day off today, which usually means staying at home, either tidying up the place or spending time with the kids but they were off at school and because of the new routine we came up with when we moved, the house was pretty clean and aside from washing and ironing some clothes, there wasn't much to do and everything was taken care of before lunchtime.

At first, I didn't know what to do. I'm not used to having time to breathe, let alone time to spare so I just stood there, in the middle of the living room, looking around for a while, trying to find some dusty surface to clean or some random thing one of the kids left in the wrong place but there was nothing. I had really done everything there was to do...

Sometimes I feel like, at some point over the last 20 or so years, I stopped being Joyce and became just another overworked, underpaid parent who can barely afford to take a day off to either enjoy themselves or spend with their kids because if I did, there wouldn't be enough money to pay the bills at the end of the month. It's a sad feeling, really, but as I stood there, I couldn't help but laugh at how stupid the whole situation was. The moment that I'd been waiting for for years was finally there and I simply had no idea what to do with myself.

So after I made myself something to eat, I wrote a note to the kids, letting them know I'd gone out for a drive but would be home for dinner, and got in the car.

When I left the driveway, I wasn't sure where I was going but I suddenly remembered this place a coworker told me about a while go. Creve Coeur Lake Memorial Park, I think its called. According to her, it's a 30 minute drive from downtown St. Louis and because of the its lake beach, it's where most families with kids spent their weekends in the summer.

When I was younger, I used to love going for walks, especially if it involved being surrounded by nature. I loved going to parks and getting lost in between all the different smells of the flowers and the sounds of the birds chirping. It gave me time to think, to relax, to feel connected with nature and it helped me breathe a little easier. I would walk for hours on end, only leaving when it got too dark for me to see or too cold to be outside. Exercising was never my thing so those long walks were the closest I ever got to working out.

When I arrived at Creve Coeur, I walked around the park for a while, taking in all the sounds and the scents, just like I used to do, and for just a couple minutes, I was 17 again and my biggest worries were getting good grades being home before curfew so I wouldn't be grounded. For a couple minutes, I wasn't worried about work, bills, the kids or what I was going to make for dinner. For a couple minutes, my head was empty and God, did that feel good. I felt free.

After a while, I ended up at the beach. As expected, because spring had just started and most people were at work, it was deserted and I was the only one there. I sat on down on the sand, just looking at the water, and it didn't take long for me to remember all the reasons why I used to love being surrounded by nature. Time seemed to slow down there, life seemed easier and I felt more like my old self than I had in a really long time.

Before I could stop it, memories of the best summer of my life- the one after junior year- started playing in my mind like a movie. It's funny how it has only been a little bit over 25 years since then, yet it feels like a lifetime ago...

I've only seen the ocean once. I have to thank you for that.

When you stopped by my house that day, barely a week after the end of the school year, and told me to pack a bag, I had no idea what was going on. I was confused and if it had been someone else I wouldn't have thought twice before saying no but I trusted you more than I had ever trusted anyone before so I managed to get permission to go with you wherever you were planning on going.

Just like you had told me, your car pulled up in the driveway of my house at 5am on the dot the next day and soon we were on the road. You didn't tell me where we were going. You just told me I'd have to wait and see and even though it pissed me off at the time, I have to admit it wouldn't have been the same if I had known what our destination was.

When, after over 11 hours in the car, we finally arrived at a camping site, I was confused. If you wanted to simply go camping, you surely could have found something closer to home, I thought. I had no idea where we were.

I asked you why we couldn't have found a camping site in Indiana but you shrugged and told me I'd find out soon. We got our things, set up the tent and I was ready to go find the showers and get myself cleaned up when you told me there was something we had to do first.

The beach was only a few minutes away so we set off on for. When we got there and I realized where we were, I couldn't believe my eyes. I stood there for a while, just staring at the water. My face hurt from smiling so much and I'm sure I had the biggest smile plastered on my face when I finally turned my head to look at you. You had been staring at me the whole time, gauging my reaction, and you smiled back. 'A few months ago you mentioned that you had never seen the ocean and that you had always wanted to so here we are.' You said. I swear, in that moment, I couldn't have loved you more if I tried. I just threw my arms around you and gave you the most passionate kiss I had ever given you and I thanked you as many times as I could before you told me to stop because I had nothing to thank you for.

We didn't go swimming that day... We just walked on the beach, by the shoreline, and eventually sat down to watch the sunset which remains, to this day, the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen.

The week flew by and on our last night there, there was supposed to be a meteor shower so we decided to stay at the beach, as we knew visibility would probably be better there than at the camping site. So after eating the rest of the food we had brought for the day, we lay down on the sand and looked at the sky. You had your arms around me and my head was resting on your chest and I just stood there, listening to the steady sound of your heartbeat and you ran your fingers through my hair.

Knowing we were leaving soon, I tried my best to take in every little detail, from the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks to the reflection of the moon in the water. I was going to miss that place. I was going to miss being there with you.

I knew we would still get to spend time together in Hawkins but it wouldn't be the same. I was going to miss waking up beside you and going to the beach every morning, I was going to miss our walks in the park, going into town at night, our failed attempts to make s'mores on the fire pit without burning all the marshmallows every single time...

After a while, you started asking me to go back to the campsite, telling me that it was late and if we hadn't seen anything yet, we probably wouldn't see anything at all, but I kept telling you to wait a bit longer. I finally started seeing the meteors around 1am but you kept missing them. You were never looking in the right direction...   
About an hour later, when you finally saw one, you told me to make a wish. I didn't really believe in those things but you insisted and I had nothing to lose (I mean, worst-case scenario, it doesn't come true, right?) so I did. I wished for more moments like that. I had never felt as happy, safe, relaxed and loved as I felt in that moment. I didn't want it to end.

Before we left the beach that night, I made you promise me we would be back. You did... but life got in the way and we never got a chance to go back.

A few months, maybe even a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have allowed myself to think about you. It would have hurt too much to hear your voice or see your face in my head and I couldn't handle more heartbreak. But I realized on your birthday, the first time I allowed myself to reminisce about our past, that the pain it caused was no longer as intense as it had been and that I could bear it. I can now think about you without wanting to burst into tears and I like that, I really do.

I guess you were right... it does get a little easier every day.

Love,  
Joyce


	14. Chapter 14

When I woke up this morning, I thought it was going to be just another day. I guess that's the funny thing about life... you never know when it is going to change. It just does.

When my alarm rang, I did what I always do. I got up, made myself some coffee, took a shower, got dressed in my working clothes and, after helping Jonathan make breakfast and set the table, I woke up the kids.

Once they left for school and I was alone, I made something quick for lunch and at 8:30am on the dot, I left the house, got in the car and went to work.

We opened the store at 9am like we always go, I helped my coworkers stock some shelves when the store wasn't too busy and then returned to my spot at the register until lunch break.

When the clock hit 2:30pm, I started walking towards the room in the back, where the employees have lunch and spend their breaks, by just as I was about to walk in, my boss called me to his office. I had no idea what he could possibly want. He hadn't really spoken to me since my first day and I immediately started worrying that I'd done something wrong and was going to be fired. But then he simply handed me the phone and the worry was replaced by confusion as I stared at it in my hands.

He explained that Flo had called to talk to me, immediately making me realize that, in the middle of all the craziness of the move, I'd totally forgotten to call her and update her, as well thank her again for all she'd done. But anyway, he said she had called and would call again in a few minutes and then he left the room to have lunch.

The phone rang moments later and I started apologizing as soon as I picked it up. I felt so bad in that moment for having forgotten about her. We definitely aren't close but she did help me get a job and I'll always be thankful to her for that. She told me she understood and asked me how we were doing and I told her we were good, that the kids were doing great even though they missed their friends. But then she said that even though she'd been meaning to call and check up on us, "because that's what Hopper would want me to do" she said, that wasn't the reason she was calling.

It turned out Murray had been calling her (harassing, according to her) for a few days, asking her about me and the best way of contacting me, saying that it was an emergency and that he knew me but didn't know how to reach me. But she didn't want to just give him my address or phone number so she gave me his instead and told me to please call him if I did, in fact, know him because she was going crazy.

I was a hit taken aback at first, not gonna lie. I had no idea what Murray could possibly want after all that time. We aren't friends, by any means, though we did go through a quite traumatic experience together so I did find it weird that he was looking for me, all of a sudden but I shrugged it off and went back to work after lunch.

It was on my way home, when everything was silent and there was nothing to distract me from my thought, that I started feeling a bit agitated. I knew something had happened. And I knew that, whatever it was, it wasn't good. After all, nothing good ever happens in Hawkins.

When I got home and made sure none of the kids were there, I got the piece of paper where I had written his phone number from my pocket and dialed it. I was about to hang up when I heard his voice and I guess nothing much has changed and he's still living in seclusion because he knew it was me right away.

He didn't say hi, he didn't ask how or where I was. All he said was "Joyce, I need to talk to you. It's about Jim." He said and my heart skipped a beat. It was the first time in a long time that I heard someone say your name out loud and even though it didn't hurt as much as it once had, it still made my heart stop for a second. "I think he's still out there." He added, after a while. Plain and simple.

I can't explain what went through my mind, through my whole body, really, in that moment. I felt frozen. I had to tighten my grip on the phone to prevent it from falling as my body went numb and I'm sure I would have fallen if I hadn't leaned against the wall as my knees went weak. My heart was pounding in my chest, so fast it physically hurt and I felt I was going to be sick. The words kept relating in my head like a broken record and I kept trying to any make sense out of them but I just couldn't. "No. No. That can't be true... I saw him. I saw him die in front of me" I kept telling myself... but then I realized that wasn't exactly true. I never saw you die. I had to close my eyes because I knew I couldn't see it. And that hit me like a ton of bricks and for the first time in a long time, I felt a tinny glimmer of hope.

Murray gave me a while to calm down and come back to my senses and then he explained everything: how he'd been a bit suspicious of the whole thing from the beginning, because he never saw anything that proved you had actually died in that room, how he'd got in contact with Owens soon after to investigate, which had led them to a Russian base that they've been investigating for a while now, looking for substantial evidence that you might be alive. He told me that they had got it a few days ago and were going to try to get you back soon but he figured I should know and had been trying to track me down for a while.

I think my brain hasn't processed everything that happened today yet. All I know is that you might be out there and that I'll have to come up with some really good excuse to be away for a few days because I can't put the kids in danger and tomorrow, a black car will pick me up at 8:30am and I'll be on my way to find you.

I don't know where this is going. I want so desperately to believe that you're alive but at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up (even though we both know they already are) because I know I can't handle another heartbreak, especially now that I was finally learning to live with this. But I want you to know that if you are, in fact, still out there, I will do everything I can to save you. I'll go to the end of the world if I have to.

I've lived a life without you in it twice now and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. Everything is better when you're by my side so believe when I say that if it's possible, I'll do it. I'm gonna take you back home, where you belong, and I'll never let you go.

I'm going to bring you home, Hop. I promise I will.

Love,  
Joyce


	15. Chapter 15

When Owens and his men picked me up, a couple of days ago, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. All I knew was that there was a chance you were out there and I'd be damned if I didn't do everything in my power to save you. So I got in that black car, listened very closely to everything they said, and once the time came to get on the plane, I swallowed my fear and did it. God only knows how hard that was... I hate those gigantic metal birds but it was the only way to get to you so I had to do it.

I think I only realized how dangerous it was going to be when Owens and their men told me their plan. You could see they'd spent a while working on it, trying to find the safest way to rescue you and even though they assured me that they'd considered many different ways of doing it but that it didn't get any better than what we had, as I looked at the blueprints of the prison and all the equipment they'd brought, I could feel the anxiety growing in my chest. When Owens realized that I wanted to go, he wasn't pleased, and we spent a while arguing until he gave up, after realizing that I was more stubborn than him and that I could go on for hours on end until I got what I wanted. At that point, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew there was a good chance that things would go wrong, that there was a good chance I wouldn't come back home but I had to try...

For months, I blamed myself for what happened to you in that room. Even though most people (yourself included) would argue that I only did what I had to do to save everyone else, I spent countless nights reliving that moment and every time I did, I hated myself a bit more for having turned those keys. So I had to, at least, try to save you. I owed you that much... and I owed that to myself too.

When the time came, I think I was the most nervous I've ever been in my life. Murray tried, in vain, to dissuade me from going in, Owens begged me not to go and I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider it for a few seconds but I put my fears aside, gave myself a quick pep talk, made Owens promise to help the kids if something happened to me and prayed for everything to go well and for all of us to be on our way back home soon.

Looking back, I know that wasn't a smart move. We rescued you, we're home with the kids, and aside from a few superficial wounds we are both fine. But I did fear for my life a few times while I was in there and in those moments, all I could think of were the kids and what would happen to them if I didn't make it out alive. I know it was selfish of me to risk my life, and therefore their futures, like that, when I could have stayed outside and waited... but in that moment, it felt like the right thing to do and I just... I had to do it. I had to make things right. So I took a deep breath and went in.

What that happened afterward is a bit of a blur, if I'm being honest. Everything happened so fast and was so intense that I can barely remember most of it. What I do remember, however, is the moment my eyes finally landed on you. We'd been looking for you for a while but you were nowhere to be found I was starting to lose hope when I finally saw you.

I could go on and on for pages, describing everything I felt when those ocean blue eyes that I never thought I'd seen again met mine... saying that I felt overwhelmed would be an understatement. I wanted to run to you, to throw my arms around your neck and smash my lips against yours and apologize for everything. I wanted to tell you how worried I had been, how much I loved you and how sorry I was not only for not having realized that sooner but also for everything that happened that night... I wanted to hold you and never let go. There were so many things I wanted to do and say yet I couldn't do anything... not with that audience, not not in that god-awful place, and certainly not in that moment, when our lives were still in danger.

Surreal doesn't begin to describe everything that happened in the last 24 hours. From managing to break into a Russian prison to seeing you for the first time in months, considerably thinner yet relatively healthy and still looking like your old self (even though your beloved mustache is gone), everything that happened today seems taken directly from a book or a movie. So much so that I wouldn't have believed it happened if I hadn't been there to witness it.

Because we had to get out of that country as soon as possible, we only had time to talk when we got on the small plane that took us home. The first thing you asked was what had happened to El and if the boys and I were ok. I told you that the boys were fine, that I would be too, now that you were there (which, I could see in your eyes, meant as much to you as it did to me), and then I told you that El was great, that she'd been staying with us and was, for the most part, happy even though missed you like crazy and first few weeks weren't easy.

You didn't reply right away. You simply stared at me and smiled before taking my hand in yours and thanking me "for everything". I quickly dismissed it, saying I hadn't done anything special and that I was sure you would have done the same for me but you made sure to assure me that not a lot of people would have done what I did and that you'd forever be thankful for it.

I don't know if it was the way you looked at me as you said that- your eyes holding so much love, gratitude and admiration that I had to look away- or the way your thumb kept drawing circles in my hand, but something clicked in that moment, you know? You were there. You were right there in front of me, alive, safe and I'd imagined that moment in my head so many times. What I would do and say if I had just one more chance... so before I could think twice about it, I took your face in my hands and brought your lips down to mine.

It was the first kiss we shared in over 20 years yet it felt familiar... It was soft and slow at first but it quickly got sloppy and when we finally broke the kiss to catch our breaths, we looked at each other just smiled at each other and for a second, it felt like we were teenagers all over again. You pulled me closer after kissing my forehead and in that moment, with your arm around me and my head resting on your shoulder, I knew I was finally where I was meant to be... I was home.

People say that home is not always a place but rather a feeling. I don't think I knew what that mean until today.

There is still a lot I don't know about what you went through in that place, a lot you don't know about everything that has changed over the past few months and we still have a lot to talk about but what matters now is that you're home. You're here and you're safe and with you by my side, I know I can do anything. I know we can do anything.

The past few months taught me a lot but I think the most important thing I've learned with this situation is that life is too short and that even though we tend to take it for granted, you never know if you're going to wake up tomorrow. I realized that I think and worry too much, that sometimes I care too much about what people think, that I tend to wait too long to act and that, more often than not, I let my fears and insecurities control my life. So I'm going to try my best to worry a little less, smile a little more, have a little bit more fun and not be a slave of my own thoughts and fears.

You coming back into my life, three years ago, was the best thing that happened to me in a very long while and after that night at the mall, I thought I'd never get you back. But you're here now, we were given another chance and I don't want to throw it away. I am not going to it away.

You are it for me, Hop. You really are, and it might have taken me a while to realize that but now that I have, I'm not letting you go.

Love,  
Joyce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter of this story. I hope you liked to read this story as much as I liked to write it.  
> I'm incredibly sad it's over and I'm not ready to say goodbye. I feel like there is still a lot to tell about them and how they life is going to be now that Hopper is back but wouldn't make sense to do it in this format and I feel like it's the right time to finish this series of letters.  
> That being said, I'm considering writing a sequel so let me know if you'd like that.  
> Thanks for reading. I really hope you liked it :))


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